Wow, two posts within less than a week? I must have a lot of content built up in me…
It’s been a rough couple of days.
Who am I kidding? It’s been a rough 5 months (the first month doesn’t count as it was the honeymoon period haha)! I struggle most days to find something sweet or good or enjoyable about this parenting gig. I always used to think that as long as there’s more good stuff in the relationship (whatever relationship) it’s worth it. Parenting a child of trauma doesn’t follow the same rules. My need to control my surroundings is so futile at this point. I wish I would just remember that I cause the majority of my own stress by allowing her behaviors to affect me so deeply.
Last night and then leading into today, I pretty much felt like I was on the tipping point. You know, the point where you feel like you just can’t do it. You want to give up. You start doubting yourself-like way worse than normal days of doubt. You feel like a failure and you even speak on it. Last night I asked my husband if he thinks that maybe we weren’t cut out to be parents. He immediately answered, with complete confidence, “No!” The conversation after that was good. There was no resolution to it, as far as do I give up or not, but it was good.
Today, being part of the dreaded first week of school after Daylight Savings Time (if I didn’t dislike the climate so much I would move to Arizona in a heartbeat), was so rough from the minute I tried to wake her up. The struggles kept on throughout the morning and during school. Just one thing after another. This girl wants so badly to be an adult that she argues with pretty much everything I tell her. Last week, at my wits end with her arguing, I threw my hands up and said “How can I encourage you not to argue with me?” She thought about it for a minute and then, much to my surprise, she said “When I argue with you, you can just ignore me.”, HAHAHA- brilliant! I have tried it before and it doesn’t work to just stand there while she continues to argue-so I added in that I will ignore her and walk away. This seems to work about 30 seconds afterwards and it’s followed with “I’m sorry for arguing with you mommy.” But you know that true remorse means they will try not to do it again. My girl lacks the ability to be empathetic, so she doesn’t experience true remorse…at least not yet.
Well, today it didn’t really work. And it was getting to me. So I left not only her room but that entire side of the house and went to eat. When I sat down I felt defeated. Again, ready to give up. Not knowing what to do. I said a quick prayer-asking God to give me what I needed. Asking for help for my kiddo. Surrendering, in a way. Maybe 5 minutes after this prayer- probably not even that, she comes out and when I hear the door, I cringe. Then I hear this sweet little voice “Mommy, I’ve got good news and even gooder news.” My shoulders relaxed and I listened to her tell me how she solved the problem I had been trying to help her with and that she finished her work. If I’d had enough energy I would’ve started crying right then and there. Instead, I grabbed and hugged her and told her how proud of her I was.
You see, I couldn’t go on: not feeling the way I did. I couldn’t take one more negative thing right then and there. So God gave me a sweet little moment that completely turned my heart around. He gave me exactly what I needed. I kid you not, that little moment has carried me throughout this day. And it was in His perfect timing-not mine. So you see, whereas I may have thought that this parenting relationship needs to have more “good” than “bad” in order to make me believe that it’s worth it; that I’m doing the right thing, all I need is enough little moments like these to make the hard stuff feel very small. To see that this all is 100% worth it. No matter the end result or whether she gets to stay with us or not, we are giving her what she never had. And she is giving us something that could never be taken away…an experience that is changing us forever.
I’m not crying, you’re crying.
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